A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry,
your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement,
The dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table
and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with
sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few
minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the duck from head to foot. The cat sat back on its
haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill,
which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!"
she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$1500."
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
blades....
as long as i can remember i've been a brave guy. i enjoy creeping through the night to observe the ones around me. some call it stalking but i always considered it looking out for the ones i love. i've taken on bigger than me enemies and conquered them. i once took on a guy that weighted 2/3 more than me and stood about 6 inches taller, a swipe of the hand and he was a goner. i've even jumped from unimaginable heights, just something you got to do when the opportunity presents itself. i've always enjoyed looking danger in the eye. a cross country trip of unexplored terrains didn't phase me or ever catch me off guard. i'm 36 years old and for the first 35 years of my life i was a brave soul, never back down from what others considered dangerous. i would laugh in the face of danger, but that all changed 4 months ago. in the late spring i met my match. my fear had finally caught up with me and i had no where to hide. it seemed so harmless until provoked, then with a flick of a switch it'd come alive. no matter where i turned it was there ready to shred me alive. the one i fear the most is the biggest i've ever seen, and it stands at least 6 feet taller than me and moves at breaking speeds. i have yet to see anyone conquer it. i've been told there are groups to help me though my fears. no matter what i have to conquer my fear, i wont let nothing hold me back.
"hello, my name is charlie and i'm afraid of ceiling fans."
"hello, my name is charlie and i'm afraid of ceiling fans."
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Duke and Roger
Been pretty busy lately, but here's my submission for the topic of friendship! hope you like it!
It felt quieter than usual. Duke had explored deeper into the the forest than what was originally planned. After a brief yet animated quarrel with his best mate Roger, Duke stormed off swearing that he would find and slay the shadowed beast himself. By the looks of it, he could too. Duke was not a frail man, but throughout his life he had always been on the clumsy side mostly using his wealth and high status to get by. Roger on the other hand had trained all his life and was now the kingdom’s bravest knight, becoming well known for his wisdom and skills in and out of the battlefield especially in archery where Duke has titled him “The Man Who Never Misses”
Not an hour later Duke had realized his dire mistake. Maybe it was the notion of his kingdoms acclaim that aroused his moronic cockiness or his lifelong jealousy of his best mates seemingly effortless skills. All his life Duke had ridden on the shoulders of Roger’s success without giving him much acknowledgment. He always believed he was more of a good luck charm to Roger claiming without his friendship Roger would still be stuck cleaning out Duke’s horse stables. Duke had no experience fighting outside of his private training grounds let alone the unexplored depths of the shadowed forest where this beast was rumored to call its home. The beast’s attacks have increased ten-fold in the past months. It was thought that the attacks came only to those dim witted enough to adventure within this forest, but after multiple accounts of missing people and livestock occurring near the kingdom walls a decree to kill this creature had to be made.
At first Duke had no intention of joining this crusade. It was not until he had heard the news that the latest victim on the beast was the father of the beautiful Astrid, whom Duke along with the entire kingdom had been in love with for many years. Engulfed with anger and hatred Astrid swore that if anyone could take revenge on the beast then her heart would be his. With this Duke decided take action and as always he called upon the help of his best mate Roger to help him slay the beast.
Duke was now lost. In a brief panic he checked his rations: half a loaf of bread, about two gulps of water. His equipment felt heavier and his armor was suffocating. It was at this moment had he become conscious of the two beady eyes staring at him from the bushes. Remembering his training, he slowly reached for his sword making sure not to make any sudden movements. He nervously picked himself up, readied his sword, and took a deep breath before screaming out, “I shall slay thee and banish thee back to the depths of....”
Before he could finish his last words the beast had taken the most fantastic leap from behind the bushes right onto the chest of Duke some 10 meters away. Duke was down yet still conscious to witness the massive amount of dark oil like drool fall out of the beasts mouth onto his face blinding him. It was at this moment the beast reached back its mighty claw behind its head surely to bring it down on the head of the helpless Duke, when it was distracted by the sound of snapping twig behind him. As the beast turned its head it was greeted with a large longbow arrow hurling towards his face at an screaming pace.
The arrow, so perfectly targeted between the eyes of the beast, had hit with such an amazing impact that sheets of drool and blood residue had splattered everywhere covering everything in sight including Duke.
Although both shocked and disgusted, Duke seemed very confident, for he knew that his friend had found him. He got up and proudly announced “Who else could hit his target so skillfully than my best mate Roger?! I am ashamed to have quarreled such a small quarrel with you my friend, but alas i was right again. I told you I’d find the beast and therefore I should justifiably wed the lady Astrid. Your arrow may have killed it, but without my help you’d be helplessly running through this forest. Well, thanks to our teamwork the beast is dead and the troubled hearts of our kingdom can now begin to heal. Thank you my friend!” Duke looked over to his friend for a response, but the forest had gotten darker and the beast’s drool had blurred his vision. “Roger? Answer to me so that I may come to you!... Roger?! Roger I cannot see where you are!”
There was no reply.
Duke continued to call out sounding more and more angry. “My friend, please. This is not the time nor place to be sulking.”
And like lighting, another arrow came hurling through the deep brush.
It felt quieter than usual. Duke had explored deeper into the the forest than what was originally planned. After a brief yet animated quarrel with his best mate Roger, Duke stormed off swearing that he would find and slay the shadowed beast himself. By the looks of it, he could too. Duke was not a frail man, but throughout his life he had always been on the clumsy side mostly using his wealth and high status to get by. Roger on the other hand had trained all his life and was now the kingdom’s bravest knight, becoming well known for his wisdom and skills in and out of the battlefield especially in archery where Duke has titled him “The Man Who Never Misses”
Not an hour later Duke had realized his dire mistake. Maybe it was the notion of his kingdoms acclaim that aroused his moronic cockiness or his lifelong jealousy of his best mates seemingly effortless skills. All his life Duke had ridden on the shoulders of Roger’s success without giving him much acknowledgment. He always believed he was more of a good luck charm to Roger claiming without his friendship Roger would still be stuck cleaning out Duke’s horse stables. Duke had no experience fighting outside of his private training grounds let alone the unexplored depths of the shadowed forest where this beast was rumored to call its home. The beast’s attacks have increased ten-fold in the past months. It was thought that the attacks came only to those dim witted enough to adventure within this forest, but after multiple accounts of missing people and livestock occurring near the kingdom walls a decree to kill this creature had to be made.
At first Duke had no intention of joining this crusade. It was not until he had heard the news that the latest victim on the beast was the father of the beautiful Astrid, whom Duke along with the entire kingdom had been in love with for many years. Engulfed with anger and hatred Astrid swore that if anyone could take revenge on the beast then her heart would be his. With this Duke decided take action and as always he called upon the help of his best mate Roger to help him slay the beast.
Duke was now lost. In a brief panic he checked his rations: half a loaf of bread, about two gulps of water. His equipment felt heavier and his armor was suffocating. It was at this moment had he become conscious of the two beady eyes staring at him from the bushes. Remembering his training, he slowly reached for his sword making sure not to make any sudden movements. He nervously picked himself up, readied his sword, and took a deep breath before screaming out, “I shall slay thee and banish thee back to the depths of....”
Before he could finish his last words the beast had taken the most fantastic leap from behind the bushes right onto the chest of Duke some 10 meters away. Duke was down yet still conscious to witness the massive amount of dark oil like drool fall out of the beasts mouth onto his face blinding him. It was at this moment the beast reached back its mighty claw behind its head surely to bring it down on the head of the helpless Duke, when it was distracted by the sound of snapping twig behind him. As the beast turned its head it was greeted with a large longbow arrow hurling towards his face at an screaming pace.
The arrow, so perfectly targeted between the eyes of the beast, had hit with such an amazing impact that sheets of drool and blood residue had splattered everywhere covering everything in sight including Duke.
Although both shocked and disgusted, Duke seemed very confident, for he knew that his friend had found him. He got up and proudly announced “Who else could hit his target so skillfully than my best mate Roger?! I am ashamed to have quarreled such a small quarrel with you my friend, but alas i was right again. I told you I’d find the beast and therefore I should justifiably wed the lady Astrid. Your arrow may have killed it, but without my help you’d be helplessly running through this forest. Well, thanks to our teamwork the beast is dead and the troubled hearts of our kingdom can now begin to heal. Thank you my friend!” Duke looked over to his friend for a response, but the forest had gotten darker and the beast’s drool had blurred his vision. “Roger? Answer to me so that I may come to you!... Roger?! Roger I cannot see where you are!”
There was no reply.
Duke continued to call out sounding more and more angry. “My friend, please. This is not the time nor place to be sulking.”
And like lighting, another arrow came hurling through the deep brush.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
opposites attract
choosing a best friend is hard to do when you're me.
my name is mr mustache but my keepers call me jupiter.
i live with someone that looks like me they call coconut, she prefers princess eilonwy,
another fatter version of me they call charlie,
a big full of energy, fluffy thing they call jack,
and a noisy caged, no fur one they call kiwi.
forgot to mention three other look alikes beyond the door, olive, freddy and chumsley.
so as you can see my choices are very slim around here.
everyone has their downfalls and i see them all:
coconut is too mean, she pulls my hair out all the time. did i mention she eats my food?
jack chases me whenever the keepers aren't around and he eats my food too!
charlie is kinda slow up there and smells weird
and i'm not allowed beyond the door so olive, freddy and chumsley are off limits.
so between the mean coconut, the chasing jack, or the special charlie
i have to pick the lesser of three evils or the one i can out smart best.
i'm stuck sharing everything with coconut so the less time with her the better,
charlie is the reason i'm in confinement and he's kind of a loner,
with jack i can out smart that guy, and as long as i dont run he doesn't chase!
so my decision for best friend is: JACK!
why you ask? well his good qualities are:
he shares everything with me from his bed to his toys, and water too!
he chases coconut away, eats the crickets and did i mention he chases coconut away?
he's learned boundaries of what's mine and what is ours.
but most of all he never gets mad!
and that's my story of how i found my best friend under crummy circumstances.
my name is mr mustache but my keepers call me jupiter.
i live with someone that looks like me they call coconut, she prefers princess eilonwy,
another fatter version of me they call charlie,
a big full of energy, fluffy thing they call jack,
and a noisy caged, no fur one they call kiwi.
forgot to mention three other look alikes beyond the door, olive, freddy and chumsley.
so as you can see my choices are very slim around here.
everyone has their downfalls and i see them all:
coconut is too mean, she pulls my hair out all the time. did i mention she eats my food?
jack chases me whenever the keepers aren't around and he eats my food too!
charlie is kinda slow up there and smells weird
and i'm not allowed beyond the door so olive, freddy and chumsley are off limits.
so between the mean coconut, the chasing jack, or the special charlie
i have to pick the lesser of three evils or the one i can out smart best.
i'm stuck sharing everything with coconut so the less time with her the better,
charlie is the reason i'm in confinement and he's kind of a loner,
with jack i can out smart that guy, and as long as i dont run he doesn't chase!
so my decision for best friend is: JACK!
why you ask? well his good qualities are:
he shares everything with me from his bed to his toys, and water too!
he chases coconut away, eats the crickets and did i mention he chases coconut away?
he's learned boundaries of what's mine and what is ours.
but most of all he never gets mad!
and that's my story of how i found my best friend under crummy circumstances.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
The first topic of your short story!
The first topic will be a broad one.... FRIENDSHIP!
(like this one)
(like this one)
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